A change in my life not decided by me

You know when something hits you, it hits you like lightning. Good or bad it just hits you hard. This past month has been hard. Mom got the shingles my back went out, and I couldn't do anything about it. Today was one of those days where you start to realize some things.

First I realized that the apple really does not fall far from the tree. I seems like my brother J, is exactly like my father. Lend him money and you will never see it and they suddenly get amnesia and say "I never agreed to that!".

Then I realized that my husband is selfish. He wants things easy. He even admitted it himself. He just got out of the army and says he loves being able to walk on the grass without being scolded. He likes not having to wake up before the sun comes up and having to go to PT. He, like he said, has so much more freedom, BUT we, meaning the kids and I, got so restricted. We don't get anything near what he used to earn. We have no insurance for the kids at all. Its been hard on us, BUT HE HAS FREEDOM! Sometimes I wonder.

Then I realized that he did that when he first joined the army, he did it because he wanted to get away from his mom who would treat him bad, was not being appreciated. I was pregnant I told him that he did not need to join that we could find a way to get by. Of course I was scared of leaving. I was used to my civilian life the "freedom" that my husband enjoys now. He said he was going anyways. He decided our future our lives because he wanted to get away.

Then again its like it almost came full circle. He is being treated bad in the army hates being told what to do, being scolded (sound familiar?). I on the other hand being a military wife loving being at home with the kids and our life style is great! He decides to get out go home because hes not "appreciated". I said hey that's military life, you get people who hate you every now and them but more people love you and respect you. Now he wanted out he, decided to get out and now I again got my life decided for me.

It was just something I noticed my life is being decided by someone who I want to believe, loves and has our best interest at heart. When he says he loves the "freedom" and knows that he has really changed our lives not for the best and has admitted it, it makes me not like him anymore. I don't know what to feel right now, I'm mad, scared, offended, not loved and not appreciated. Know what, I really respected him when he was in the army now I don't. Is that wrong?

What to do?

Its funny how when you leave the nest, the comfort of home, you are apprehensive. You don't want to go (or at least that's the way I felt). When my husband and I got married most people probably thought that he just married me because I ended up pregnant. I was not some young teenager but I was not old enough to buy beer! I was 20 when I got pregnant with our oldest. He was told by my mil to make sure that it was his baby. I was not sleeping around, maybe she had skeletons in her closet, but I didn't. I told my husband that he didn't need to marry me. Well all in all we did get married. He went off to basic training and when he came back he really just came back to pick me up and move. OH MY GOSH! I cried, but I got used to being alone. I did suffer from panic anxiety disorder for a while until he left to Korea for the year. Then I was left with 2 kids and I was actually forced to "grow-up" and be independent. I never had to do that. From the time I got married to the time he left, I had always depended on someone. First it was my parents, I needed them to tell me what to do. Then my husband almost right away, he told me what to do. Somewhere I missed the transition of being an adult and being responsible for myself and all of a sudden I had to do that right away. My panic anxiety disorder when from slow crawl to turbo blast and I actually lost over 20lbs in less than a month!

Now we are at almost the same stage in our lives. We had grown so accustomed to the military. Military life, military wife, military home military brats. Military, Military, Military. That's is all we know. Its been almost 8 months since hes been out, since he's been a "civilian". I seem to be lost. His pay has been cut by more than half we have not insurance, health or dental. IT SUCKS!!! I really want him to go back. I miss the action, the fast life, the being my own person. I love my family and my parents, but somehow I feel that I am being defined by what people know about me in my past. I was this shy timid person and they get to know the new me and they are shocked. I'm more outgoing (had to be if I had to shake hands with so many higher ups than my husband in the military), I am more of a leader in where I take control of the reins if no one else does.

So it comes down to it. My husband has already spoken to the recruiters to go back. He wants to keep his rank. I really want him to go back but i want him to get his degree. I want him to have the option of going back as a officer (really i want him to be an officer). I don't know If can handle the pressure though. Oh well...Ill keep you posted!

Fresh Ideas?!

I don't know how people who create art get their inspiration. Now I don't create art but my business is a still a way that you need ideas, new visions of fashion. I create bows , outfits for kids. I also do a lot of art work like furniture painting and stuff (ill add pics later). The painting is not that hard its usually the same, girls with roses and boys with frogs and boats. However when I get to the bows, I sometimes look at my ribbons and my fabrics and I cant decide what to do and how to start.

Then I get preoccupied with my kids, husband, and house work. Not to mention that I have Algebra tests and my psych tests coming up this may! Summer is starting and I need to come up with a new idea a new line of cloths, bows, handbags, and more. AAAAGGGGHHH now i feel like charlie brown!. Sometimes my husband does not help with the situation. Like right now he is sitting in front of the boob tube watching Ultimate fighter when there are dishes to do. I already took care of everything else. The babies are arguing, and he just takes in stride. I'm here trying to write it all down and well, I just need to vent. Don't get me wrong, he's is a great husband and even more so a wonderful dad (to good he spoils the two youngest). Our chores are divided up. I clean the house, sweep mop, dust, wash laundry. He has dish duty, cooking (he took that up right from the start he was a cook in the army for 5 years!) and put the laundry away.

I can see why I don't have my creative juices flowing. I need my own studio away from home. I think I need to rent a small space or send my kids off to daycare or to a nanny. Well, its time for me to go. I need to make sure things are OK on my website. My life is a soap. I could write books and make millions. Then again why add more to the bag when I can just barley make this one my own!

My first blog 4/17/2006

You know Ive read about blogs and all, and now I have decided to go ahead and do one. So for my introduction. I am a mom of 4 girls...yes 4 girls. The oldest is 8 and the youngest is 3. So we have a very energetic home, not to say I am energetic,sometimes I wish I could just tie them up and sit them down with duct tape over there mouths. However most days I just admire how wonderful life is with them. Well, I am a nursing student on top of that. I will be turning 30 yrs and for those of you who are still under 25, FINISH SCHOOL!!!! Dont have kids until you have your degree, even if its in basket weaving, as my husband puts it. Now a days anyone will hire you if you have sometime of degree. However you might think I wasted my time. "Well, lady you should have gone to school instead of making babies!" I can hear you. Well, I really didnt waste my time. My husband was in the army and we traveled the world. We lived in Germany for 3 years and I met many wonderful (as well as horrible) people in the Army. As noble as it is, being in the army, there are still those few creeps who actually get in the military.

So now we are home. We are both going to school, husband helps in the family business and I have my own business. Life can be trying. Sometimes I do want to give up, but my kids, my husband are the main reasons I just keep going. I dont want to let them down. You will get to know me better here. I will write about my past experiences, and what I dream for our future. So here fingers crossed, here goes a new venue for me to look at my past mistakes to better my future!